Jim Davidson used to own this pier. We assume that was so that he could always have an outlet for his particular brand of ‘comedy’. But he no longer owns it since some ‘comedian’ decided to fall over in its theatre and sue him.

The architecture is strange and the sense of abandonment quite odd. We contemplated the series ‘Up the Elephant and round the Castle’ as we headed back to the seafront to play some early morning slots. We hope this pier has a happier future.

Heroes: Sea front café for serving Oasis

Villains: Alan for avoiding a lock in

Pier Score: 7 out of 10

Lowestoft South

If there is a prize for the most confused pier in the UK it goes to Lowestoft South. Not content merely with not being the most southerly pier in Lowestoft, it is also not a pier. Its approach is similar to Torquay’s – ie. find the nearest sea wall and call it a pier. In contrast to Torquay, it doesn’t even hide the fact by disguising itself with decking. As this is a concrete car park with an amusement arcade we feel unable to grace it with a score

Heroes: nobody comes out of this looking good

Villains: Lowestoft North, North Sea Wall (to give it its proper name)

Pier Score: n/a

Lowestoft Claremont

Lowestoft’s only pier is partially shut and dangerous. We feel able to award extra points for the absence of any railings whatsoever (watch out Jim Davidson). The manager let us on to wander up and down to scare the seagulls which is as good a way to spend a Sunday morning as I can think of.

Heroes: Golden Wonder for their mesmerising Pot Noodle machine

Villains: The meddling Health and Safety Executive

Pier Score: 8 out of 10

Southwold

There have been very few days when we haven’t been visited by friends on the last pier of the day and Southwold proved no exception. In fact, if we took willingness to visit us as a guide to the popularity of the pier, then Southwold would win hands down.

The pier is newly refurbished and has a rather incongruous Protestant chapel style thing on it, as well as a micturating water clock. It’s clean, it’s decent and it has a pub. No rowdy children please.